By Thurston Gray, CCASA Guest Blogger
It started as a whim. Using Sculpey® clay, I would create an art project every day for a year. 365 pendants. Simple enough. Except it wasn’t. Because instead of just designing a wearable piece of jewelry, I decided to express an emotion I had felt that day, each day, on the clay pendant and then journal my thoughts.
The Pendant Project, as I had dubbed it, proved to be much more than a simple challenge on being creative. Instead, it began a journey to awareness. If I was going to create a pendant representing my emotions or feelings then I needed to pay attention. I needed to ask myself: What was I feeling? Did I even know the name of the emotion swelling up inside me? I had to ask because for years, I had pretended to be “fine.”
In college I was raped. Shhhh, don’t tell. Instead of reaching out for support and assistance, I kept quiet. I believed, at the time, that it was my fault. It was the belief that had me lying to my friends, my family and myself. I was fine.
Truth is I was either totally overwhelmed by my emotions or unable to connect to them at all. Four years ago, I started therapy. That helped a lot. It gave me a safe place to explore, acknowledge and express what I was really feeling. Therapy gave me a place to be authentic; I didn’t have to pretend anymore.
The Pendant Project took it further. Instead of weekly I-hour sessions of authentic-ness, I had to do it every. single. day. From the time I woke up in the morning until I sat at my art table I tried to be aware of the emotions flowing through my body. Some days many different feelings would flow in and out; other days I would get stuck in one emotion. Admittedly, the stuck days were the easiest to recreate onto the clay pendant. On the days where I felt and could identify different emotions, I focused my art and journaling on the one emotion I knew the least.
There were days throughout the year where I would sit at the table and just stare at the blank pendant. That’s when I would let the art talk to me, for me. I would start randomly painting and the emotion would emerge. Only after I had completed the pendant did I understand what I was really feeling.
I completed my year-long project. All 365 days. With each pendant, I took a step towards my healing after sexual assault. I developed the ability to pause, identify and feel my emotions – without being overwhelmed or disconnected. I was able to finally acknowledge my pain, my fear, my loss and my struggles. The pendants also gave me a space to share my joy, my love, my learning of acceptance and forgiveness.
Expanding from a simple art project to a journey to awareness, The Pendant Project gave me the opportunity to be present, be authentic, and to truly be me.
